Refuse by Julian Randall

Author:Julian Randall [Randall, Julian]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780822986171
Publisher: University of Pittsburgh Press

ON THE NIGHT I CONSIDER COMING OUT TO MY PARENTS

I am afraid, of something I am, but have never named. My tongue is a refuge for secrets. How does one still fear banishment if they were born an exile? There’s blood on the ground, no time remains so I’ll lay it flat: I am Black and Dominican and Bisexual. There. If I die now, you’ll have a hint for which god to petition. Sometimes, I look at a man and my hands are already digging into the small country of his back. In this way, the body is a distraction from what can make the body just a memory. My lips could bring a man’s blood to the surface; my mother raised a curse and gave it her face. I am afraid to belong to another thing, to become still more no man’s land. I am a trench; nobody comes to clear the dead. Somewhere, my mother is gripping a rosary to pray for men who look like me. Somewhere, my mother is praying for me. I do not want to give her something else to worry about. I am quiet, I bury no one, blood is drying beneath my nails, I do not know which me it belongs to.

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